So I was going to start from the beginning of my journey and write until I “caught up” but the fire has changed things. I don’t really want to look too much in the past right now so I am going to talk about now. I am going to catch up really quick so you understand where I am now and then we will talk about my current state of being “a little bit pregnant” and the fears that I think/hope will be here for another 29 weeks.
This is pregnancy number 4 and I still have nothing to show for them except some scars on my abdomen. It took 12 months of cycling to get the first one. As you may remember, that was a “low positive” and my introduction to Beta Hell.
The second pregnancy took…you guessed it.. 12 more freaking months!!!! That one I had a much better beta and I was told all was well. I didn’t believe it though – something inside me just felt it was not right. I kept going back to the doctor over the next couple of weeks and they would do u/s or blood work and all was well. Still I knew- I knew I did not turn into a hypochondriac overnight. I knew I was nervous but not insane – I knew it wasn’t right. So at my 6wk u/s – before we went to the track for a relaxing afternoon of horseracing all was allegedly fine. U/S showed exactly what it should have. Life was good.
Monday’s u/s was awful- I had been spotting and when I went in my little sack was gone. Thank god my husband showed some sense and met me unexpectedly at the doctor because I was a mess. Remember..it was “all ok” right? See I KNEW I was always right! It sucks to be right this time though.
So we go home to grieve another loss, a couple of hours later the pain started, REALLY bad pain. I was actually screaming in pain. My husband called the RE and when she heard me screaming she told him to get me to the ER ASAP. We walk into the ER and there are a slew of people waiting – Craig has me sit while he checks me in..and I am still screeching intermittently – I am trying not to and keep apologizing to those around me but it is just flying out. Primal pain. A horrible noise I never want to hear escape my body ever again. So between the fact that I told my husband to tell the ER it could be ectopic and the fact I was scaring the rest of the patients they took me right in. Finally, I could get some relief.. give me some damn drugs! Well when I finally got drugs we realized I must have been allergic to the first set. I was still in pain but now felt I could no longer breathe, I was freezing and threatened that I would die immediately if they didn’t let me stand up (I don’t know why but I felt I HAD to stand). So now wee try some others.. all too the tiniest edge off but none even came close to touching the pain.
It was determined that I have an ultrasound at the hospital. So they pumped more drugs in my iv (that still didn’t work) and sent me downstairs for what would be the longest more horrible ultrasound EVER. The freaking girl took FORTY-FIVE MINUTES with that wand all the way up to my throat while I tried not to writhe in agony so she could take her damn pictures and get me the hell out of there. Guess what she saw…. Not a damn thing… boy THAT was helpful.
So back to the ER.. they took an hcg and it seemed my levels had plummeted in the 3-4 hours since I had been at my RE’s office. They decided that it was just a “simple miscarriage”. Um, simple? Are you KIDDING me? I knew it had to be an ectopic- I KNEW IT WAS- u/s or no. I begged for methotrexate.. BEGGED. I was a little loopy so I knew I was talking too much and I told her that since it was obvious that anything in there did not want to be anymore then it was prudent to do the shot. That I knew the child I had inside me was not to be mine yet and needed to go and I didn’t want to risk losing a tube for something that was not viable. I kept bringing it up and they said it was not necessary. So they decide to admit me because my blood count is low and they don’t know where it is going or why.
Guess where I go.. the freaking maternity ward. Can you believe it? I had been promised a private room because I was still in agony and the drugs were not working. We get upstairs and they decide they are going to try to “save” the private room and put me in with a woman who had a baby by c-section that day. I tried to deal with that until they said my husband had to leave. Oh no- they were not leaving me in agony, bleeding internally where they couldn’t figure it out in a room with a woman who just had a baby. I made them get the floor nurse who heard me moaning before she even came in the room and they wisely decided to let me move and let him stay to take care of me. I couldn’t move at all now without incredible pain- not even to breathe. So overnight the pain (with the help of a lot more meds) began to settle to where I stopped moaning. The next morning it was decided since my hcg was waaay lower than the night before and that the pain was tolerable with oral pain medications I could go home…even though my red blood count was very low but no one seemed to worry about that.
Remember this was now only Tuesday. All week I felt “off” and still knew something was not right. Friday I went back to the RE’s office for yet another u/s. They realized then that it appeared I had an ectopic (really? Who could have predicted). The look on their faces was scary even though they tried to hide it. They told me to go home and wait for a call but to prepare myself for possibly having to have surgery. I am now terrified. Not even two hours later my regular OB/GYN calls (who is also a patient of the RE) and says my hcg levels are very high and I need to immediately get to the hospital for surgery. Holy crap. I call my husband, my mother-in-law so she can take the puppy (I was still feeling guilty about the fact he had been alone all night on Monday) and my brother so he was aware of the situation and so I could tell him I loved him (can you tell I was thinking the worst?). I took off my jewelry, packed a bag for the puppy, found my healthcare proxy and my living will and off we go as soon as my hubby walks in the door.
My mother-in-law is awesome, she was waiting at the hospital so she could be with me while my Father-in-law took the dog back to his house. We went to my room where I was cracking bad jokes with my doctor (she asked about Rh factor and I told her hubby and I were both A-negative and when she commented how unusual that was I told her it often runs in blood relatives –HA! You should have seen her face at first). So my MIL took care of my hubby while my doctor took care of me. They took my baby and my tube. In once short week I went from undiagnosed to down a tube. They think I was pregnant with twins and the first one m/c over the weekend which is why the sack was gone and the hcg dropped and the second one was hiding in the tube. It was horrible to find out that I was carrying twins and lost them in the same day. Damn that ER doctor for not giving me the methotrexate! Who knows it may have been too late to save the tube by the time I got to the hospital on Monday – but now I’ll never know.
The nurses were wonderful – when I left they gave me a guardian angel pin and an angel bear (the bear still sleeps on my nightstand) and were just so kind.
And. It. Was. Over. Again.
Wow- that was a lot about m/c #2. I’ll have to write about number 3 later. So we can catch up to “currently in progress” scary pregnancy number 4.