All right- miscarriage number three is over and it is time to get back on the horse.. well actually it is well past that time because I had to sit out for a month with a freaking cyst. These are the hardest times for me because all I want to do is get back to “trying” because “healing” from the miscarriages is too painful emotionally. I can’t truly put the miscarriages in the past until I have begun a fresh cycle. I know I am odd but that is just who I am.
So now I have a dilemma – New York State offers a grant program to help pay for ivf through certain clinics. My clinic is one of them the only catch is that I have to go to the one that is three hours away – but to save thousands I am willing to do it. The grant program only allows you two bites at the ivf apple at the cost-share amount and we used one last year. So I had decided, as soon as I knew the last cycle wasn’t going to work out, that we would do one more iui then ivf again. The only reason I wanted to do that was because I couldn’t imagine after as many cycles I had done that I would get pregnant two times in a row and I didn’t want to “waste” the ivf. I know there is no rational basis for this thought but a healthy dose of superstition and “not counting my chickens” has gotten me to this point without too many regrets. Well the cyst took that away. The grant money must be used by April I believe and due to the fact that an ivf cycle is over 2 months I didn’t have enough time for an iui now. Aw geez, I don’t like going into something when I am already feeling like it won’t work but I need to bite the bullet and go for it.
So I am to start stims on February 24, 2008, my cyst is gone and we are a go. Well, as you all know, on February 22, 2008 my father and his wife passed away in a fire. So this cycle is becoming less “ideal” by the minute. But…we have already paid so we just have to keep going.
My plan for this cycle had been to basically cocoon myself from as much stress and irritation as possible and have the more relaxed cycle I could, I was going to take a little time off after the transfer, do Reiki every other day, and just spoil myself in general to try to get the best results possible (especially since I already felt like we were digging out of a hole). Obviously, there was snowball’s chance in hell that I would be able to do ANY of that now. During stimming – we planned funerals and wakes, picked through debris at the house looking for a will, got a Court Order to search a safe deposit box, called umpteen attorneys to see if they had my father’s will, dealt with insurance people, try to be nice to family friends who judged my relationship with my father, tried to open the communication lines with a brother I haven’t seen in years, brokered an agreement between siblings and step-siblings as to how to share the estate since we never were able to find a will, and tried to deal with my own feelings of loss, sadness and anger. Pretty much the total opposite of what my “plan” was.
Well oddly- I was responding very well to the stims. It feels like an “easy” cycle – maybe that is because I have given almost no thought to it. I even had to stop for an u/s and bloodwork on the way to the funeral. I don’t even remember exactly how many eggs I had – I think maybe it was 14 or so but from that we got 6 beautiful embryos.
Those six little potential babies allowed us our first 5 day transfer.. and all six were still beautiful on day 5. Both trips out to western NY and back were easy and uneventful- that part of the state is known for major lake effect snow and we saw nary a flake. My transfer was the easiest procedure I have ever done. My iui’s etc. since my surgery for the ectopic have caused me a lot of left side pain and the speculum feels like a bear trap – not that day. I never felt the rod going through my cervix- I ALWAYS feel it.. I know exactly where to put my hands on my stomach to reduce the spasm I always get but I didn’t have to this time.. no spasm… all of a sudden he takes out the speculum and he is done. I swear it felt like 30 seconds when it usually feels like 6 hours. No cramping on the way home – nothing. It was “perfect”. It was even my RE’s birthday so he was dressed in all his new birthday gifts and everyone was in an even better mood than they usually are.
We put in three and we had the other three frozen…. Well good golly all three froze! I actually have frosties! I am telling you..maybe this unbelievable stress thing is actually good.
Ten loooong days later… I got my best BFP ever. My hcg level was almost three times higher than any previous positive.
Holy crow. It worked.
But will it stay?