Welcome OTE readers!

Welcome to those who found me here through my guest posts on the Times Union website.  I hope if you are now going through treatment you find something here that helps.  If you love someone who is going through treatment- I hope you get some insight as to what they are going through.  If you have lived this hell too- pull up a chair and a huge glass of wine and say Hi.   We have been through a war together and I always drink with other veterans.

Love to you all – feel free to ask questions – although you will never find false hope here.  Hope yes- but I don’t blow smoke so don’t ask if you don’t want to know what I think.  =)


Wow- what a ride!

It has been far too long since I have been here.  I apologize.  I will tell you what is going on now and try to allow myself to re-live some of how I got here.  I am the proud, luckiest, happy mom of an amazing 3 1/2 boy,  As you all know this journey was long and arduous.  My pregnancy was the same.  I truly didn’t believe I was going to actually take home a baby until I heard him cry.  Honestly, I don’t know if I really believed it then either.  I feel like my whole personality has changed.  I am more peaceful and can roll with the punches far better than I ever could before.  I don’t make plans anymore,  I used to be a bit rigid but now I make suggestions of what to do and see how we feel that day.  My house is a mess, I don’t really do chores or errands except during weekend naps or on my lunch hour at work and I do not feel bad about it.  I don’t talk on the phone until after 8pm and I have only bought one (or maybe 2) purses in the last 3 years! LOL.  Some people say that I have given up too much of myself but I think I finally found who I wanted to be.  The treatment took far more of my friends and passions away.  I lived in a sad, lonely, numbing cocoon then.  Now I might be in a bubble- but it is full of sunshine and love and smiles. 


Just because I have found my way to motherhood doesn’t mean I forgot the journey or the pain.  I still feel the fear and have had panic attacks when the discussion of another comes up.  I will not be going though treatment again.  Maybe in time we might try to adopt a school age child – when Christopher is old enough to be part of the discussion.  I celebrate my son’s birthday with the fertility clinic and don’t see that ending any time soon.  I tell anyone that I had ivf.  I am not ashamed and am proud to be another face of infertility.  

I hope to be back regularly to tell you more about my journey, my eventful pregnancy and how I am learning to be the best mom I can be.  

My wait is over!

I am so very sorry I took so long to post!  Motherhood is busier and more wonderful than I could have ever imagined.  Ever.  My sweet wonderful little man was born on November 18, 2008 via c-section.


My pregnancy was far more eventful than expected.  I failed every test during my pregnancy except the Strep B which didn’t matter because I was doing a c-section.  I had high blood pressure (VERY high), gestational diabetes, major unexplained bleeding on and off, I was pulled out of work a couple months early, was on bed rest of some sort the entire time, the last couple of months I was really only supposed to sit on the couch or bed except my 2-3 non-stress tests/ultrasounds a week and in general was so very nervous the entire time that I couldn’t get excited.  I didn’t want to take the tags off anything “in case it had to be returned” – I cried when we washed the bedding- I am just now feeling like I can take the tags off the clothes we have for the next stage of his growth. 


We had our c-section on a Tuesday the week before Thanksgiving – my husband was snapping photographs of the prep like a paparazzi.  No one needs to see my getting an iv or watching them put the fetal monitor on.  Turns out my little guy decided that was to be his birthday anyway because I was having contractions on my own.  The doctors asked if my husband was going to want to see when they took the baby out and we had agreed that both of us were too afraid to look until we heard a cry.  So a few minutes in I heard the most wonderful sound I have ever heard – and am tearing up remembering it- my sweet perfect son’s first cry.  More on the birth and hospital stay later.


Christopher is a sweet, good natured, very much loved and loving little boy.  He sleeps through the night (mostly), eats like a champ(breastfeeding is hard but totally totally worth it!), loves his puppy, gives the best smiles and hugs and loves his mommy.  I am the luckiest person on the planet and I have thanked God every single day since Christopher arrived.  Every. Single. Day. Usually more than once.  I will NEVER forget what it took to get here and the wonderful people who helped get me here.  My journey to motherhood was long, rocky and exhausting and I thought many times that it might not be a road I would get to walk on – but here I am- correction- he WE are. 


Now I am on the bumpy path of motherhood.  I have a lot to learn – and can’t wait for all the challenges ahead of me.  Thanks for sharing the journey with me. 


I am more than a little superstitious…

ok.. so I am now 18 1/2 weeks pregnant…with a boy according to the emergency amnio I had recently…the reason I am not posting though is that I am too scared to put any of this in writing for the fear that I am tempting the evil fates who will snatch this amazing precious gift away as soon as I get too cocky and start assuming it will work out.    (Heck…half of my family doesn’t even know yet!)  The current due date is November 28, 2008 and I promise I will come back afterwards and give the low down on the long scary trip it has been so far and whatever is till to come in the future.  Till then.. thanks for checking on me and I’ll see you in December!

This entry was posted on July 2, 2008. 1 Comment

6 weeks and counting…

Ok.. so at 6w 3d all was well and both of us were doing fine.  Well- nothing is EVER that easy! More bleeding over the weekend… another “emergency” appointment on Monday.  Does it EVER get easier?  I can handle cramps, yucky old blood, morning sickness (not that I have had much of that yet), boobs that hurt so bad that I want to chop them off, and generalized unfocused fear – but this focused fear because I am bleeding is bullsh*t!  I went from being on top of the world on Friday (WE SAW A FREAKING HEARTBEAT) to sad, depressed and hopeless on Saturday. 


So Monday’s ultrasound looks good the baby measures where she should and it all looks good..until…(imagine Jaws music here..dun duh dun duh dun duh dun duh AAAAAAH!) there is  problem.  I now have a sub chronic hematoma.  There is a collection of blood in the uterus.  HHmm.  What the hell does THAT mean.  But the “good news” is that “if I have to have one it is in the best place it can be”.  Wow- what a relief.. I am bleeding but at least it is below the baby so if it gushes out it is less likely to take my hopes and dreams with it- yippee.. I feel lucky.  So I try to look on the bright side – they warn me that more bleeding is imminent, they put me on very modified bed rest (no walking, standing or lifting and put my feet up every moment possible) and come back in a WEEK!  Again with the week thing..


So I get back to work and start googling like mad.. it seems an SCH is pretty common and if not resolved can cause miscarriage but that sometimes it just goes away.  Let’s hope mine is one of the type that disappear and never returns.  So from my research I now know what to ask them so I call the doctor and ask  how big mine is.  Today it is 1cm- which is smaller than my peanut at this point so I am going to stay as positive as possible, move as little as possible, and pray that this week is over FAST.   The reason I am to move as little as possible is that if the bleed moves between the placenta and uterine wall I am far more likely to miscarry and since I have been there three other times I don’t want to visit that again so I walk as little as possible but if I am walking I must look like I am walking on glass I am slow, gentle and I refuse to twist or turn around.


As bad as it is to worry about the bleed, I don’t want to tell my co-workers what is going on yet so I keep coming up with stupid reasons I am walking as if I just turned 180 years old.  Good grief – they must think I am totally nuts.


It is going to be a loooooong week.

This entry was posted on April 30, 2008. 1 Comment

4th time is a charm?

OK When last we spoke I had just gotten my best BFP ever!  I think I am still in shock.  This is my fourth pregnancy and I have never made it past 7 weeks without disaster.  So my first u/s was at less than 6 weeks – we didn’t expect to see much and since I had never really seen more than a sac I wasn’t expecting to see anything at all.  Two days before my “pre-natal” ultrasound – (I have to put that in quotes because it just seems so unreal) I started spotting- not a lot- but bright red scary spotting.  My hopes are being dashed with every drop of blood I see.  But my ultrasound is in 2 days and since it is soooo flipping early anyway they really can’t see me early because we will be lucky to see anything Friday anyway.  So two  l o n g horribly stressful days later I go for my ultrasound.  And.. well- we actually saw a sack- how crazy- I was only 5 weeks pregnant – but there it was – tiny and you couldn’t see anything inside but it was there and it was mine!!


So they said to come back in a week and we will check again.  A WEEK are they kidding me?!?!?!? How about tomorrow?  I suddenly decided that since I don’t know how long this is going to last so I want to be “IN” it every minute this time.  I don’t want to try to stay detached so it might hurt less when the miscarriage happens (like that works anyway -NOT).  I want to see every minute of life that my little one has.  But not owing my own machine like Tom and Katie I guess a week it is.


Well.. my little one is already giving me issues.. I didn’t make it a whole week because of…you guessed it.. more spotting.. so I went in on Wednesday- I am a couple days shy of 6 weeks at this point.- I didn’t really want  to go in early because they said I might see a heartbeat at 6 weeks.. and I wasn’t there yet.  But I went in because I was terrified and if it is going to result in a miscarriage I want to know immediately and not find out a few days later that  “Oops- it’s gone”  I want to know now.  So we go in…shaking and scared… and holy crow..it is still there, measures exactly where it should and it appears all is well.  Whew… but guess what.. come back in a week!!  AARgh!


Alright- it is Saturday night now and I suddenly had a ton of watery red blood- honestly I had been lying on the couch and when I got up I found blood all over the couch.  Needless to say I was flipping out – I was in the bathroom crying, my husband was trying to clean off the couch before it stained – and the doctor’s office is closed until Monday.  I called and they said it could be a broken blood vessel and I should stay on bedrest until Monday.  Great… so.. is THIS the end?  All of these stops and starts are freaking me out – I am TRYING to be zen and calm and “enjoy my pregnancy” but how the hell can you do that when you are bleeding every 2 days!


Ok- so Monday morning I go in- scared and shaking and honestly I could hardly even breathe … and holy mother of god…there is a heartbeat!!! A little flutter on the screen that was just chugging along.  It was too early to hear it but wow…it was a heartbeat and it was inside me!!!


I am 6 weeks, 3 days pregnant and for the first time in 6 years of trying to conceive and 3 previous pregnancies.. I saw a heartbeat.



Back on the ivf horse.

All right- miscarriage number three is over and it is time to get back on the horse.. well actually it is well past that time because I had to sit out for a month with a freaking cyst.  These are the hardest times for me because all I want to do is get back to “trying” because “healing” from the miscarriages is too painful emotionally.  I can’t truly put the miscarriages in the past until I have begun a fresh cycle.  I know I am odd but that is just who I am. 


So now I have a dilemma – New York State offers a grant program to help pay for ivf through certain clinics.  My clinic is one of them the only catch is that I have to go to the one that is three hours away – but to save thousands I am willing to do it.  The grant program only allows you two bites at the ivf apple at the cost-share amount and we used one last year.  So I had decided, as soon as I knew the last cycle wasn’t going to work out, that we would do one more iui then ivf again.  The only reason I wanted to do that was because I couldn’t imagine after as many cycles I had done that I would get pregnant two times in a row and I didn’t want to “waste” the ivf.  I know there is no rational basis for this thought but a healthy dose of superstition and “not counting my chickens” has gotten me to this point without too many regrets.  Well the cyst took that away.  The grant money must be used by April I believe and due to the fact that an ivf cycle is over 2 months I didn’t have enough time for an iui now.  Aw geez, I don’t like going into something when I am already feeling like it won’t work but I need to bite the bullet and go for it. 


So I am to start stims on February 24, 2008, my cyst is gone and we are a go.  Well, as you all know, on February 22, 2008 my father and his wife passed away in a fire.  So this cycle is becoming less “ideal” by the minute.  But…we have already paid so we just have to keep going. 


My plan for this cycle had been to basically cocoon myself from as much stress and irritation as possible and have the more relaxed cycle I could, I was going to take a little time off after the transfer, do Reiki every other day, and just spoil myself in general to try to get the best results possible (especially since I already felt like we were digging out of a hole).  Obviously, there was snowball’s chance in hell that I would be able to do ANY of that now.   During stimming – we planned funerals and wakes, picked through debris at the house looking for a will, got a Court Order to search a safe deposit box, called umpteen attorneys to see if they had my father’s will, dealt with insurance people, try to be nice to family friends who judged my relationship with my father, tried to open the communication lines with a brother I haven’t seen in years, brokered an agreement between siblings and step-siblings as to how to share the estate since we never were able to find a will, and tried to deal with my own feelings of loss, sadness and anger.  Pretty much the total opposite of what my “plan” was. 


Well oddly- I was responding very well to the stims.  It feels like an “easy” cycle – maybe that is because I have given almost no thought to it.  I even had to stop for an u/s and bloodwork on the way to the funeral.  I don’t even remember exactly how many eggs I had – I think maybe it was 14 or so but from that we got 6 beautiful embryos. 


Those six little potential babies allowed us our first 5 day transfer.. and all six were still beautiful on day 5.  Both trips out to western NY and back were easy and uneventful- that part of the state is known for major lake effect snow and we saw nary a flake.   My transfer was the easiest procedure I have ever done.  My iui’s etc. since my surgery for the ectopic have caused me a lot of left side pain and the speculum feels like a bear trap – not that day.  I never felt the rod going through my cervix- I ALWAYS feel it.. I know exactly where to put my hands on my stomach to reduce the spasm I always get but I didn’t have to this time.. no spasm… all of a sudden he takes out the speculum and he is done.  I swear it felt like 30 seconds when it usually feels like 6 hours.  No cramping on the way home – nothing.  It was “perfect”.  It was even my RE’s birthday so he was dressed in all his new birthday gifts and everyone was in an even better mood than they usually are. 


We put in three and we had the other three frozen…. Well good golly all three froze!  I actually have frosties!  I am telling you..maybe this unbelievable stress thing is actually good.


Ten loooong days later… I got my best BFP ever.  My hcg level was almost three times higher than any previous positive.


Holy crow.  It worked. 



But will it stay?

This entry was posted on April 17, 2008. 2 Comments