So we started with Clomid. Now known to me as EVIL clomid. The first month was a little tense but hey we were REALLY trying to have a child now right? I mean I was taking a ENTIRE PILL A NIGHT!!! Um, yeah – how naïve was I thinking that I was going to pop a few pills and pop out a munchkin. So the whole sex every other day for 10 days might sounds great in theory but how about the day that your pain in the ass husband forgot to take out the trash, let the cat knead your cashmere sweater and said dinner was not very tasty. Makes you really want him now right? So you go upstairs and try to start feeling sexy but you didn’t realize that Clomid also leads to vaginal dryness so between the dryness from the drugs and the irritation you are still feeling against your husband it is far from the best sex ever but hey! You may have just made your baby! You spend the next 30-60 minutes with a pillow under your butt and your legs in the air and go to bed feeling you accomplished something. Repeat this 4 more times over the next 8 nights and you are so sure you just got pregnant this time! Woo-Hoo!!!! Flash forward 2 weeks .. you are counting the days to 28 and have the hpt ready. In fact it has been on the sink for 3 weeks because you will need it soon! Well day 28 BFN. But wait – it is still pretty early maybe this is a long cycle.. so you buy more tests.. 4 days and 4 BFN’s later there it is.. your freaking period. And only $100 worth of hpt’s later. Yeah!
Ok- you have recovered – hey Rome wasn’t built in a day! And this month you are going to take <gasp> TWO whole pills a night. Ok.. remember month one? Now double the dryness and the irritation and try to get yourself in the mood. We decide this was a great month to get a home equity loan and do all the work we want to get done before the baby comes. If you thought your husband was irritating before? Try doubling the bitchy pills AND going over financial data. I remember at one point he was sitting at the dining room table and I was whimpering on the couch and he said “What does this mean?” I screamed at him first – I mean I wasn’t reading the damn paper – he was – if he doesn’t know what it means how the HELL am I going to!!!!! Come on you stupid son of a … oh my! How did I get so upset over something so silly! I must be insane – so now let’s burst into hysterical tears and sobbing. My poor innocent sweet husband didn’t mean to be so dense! So after staring at me for a few minutes very frightened he comes over and hugs me. The next time this happens he is much more prepared for it. But we still get to have wild romantic sex every other day for ten loooong days right? Oh wait- I forgot to tell you no lubricant allowed! Lubricant is not “sperm friendly” so they suggest you use water, cooking oil or your own saliva! Yum. So this month we decide to try showering to get in the mood and figure the water would be good for lubrication too. Ok- now try to figure out how to get from the shower to our ass on a pillow with your legs in the air without feeling like you just lost all the swimmers to gravity. Really you end up with a backache because the shower isn’t as comfy as you think and wet blankets. Still 2 weeks later there is AF. Wow- a surprise visitor- oh no- this a great time.. come on in and sit down – we are ALWAYS happy to see you Aunt Flo. Bitch.
All right – big guns month three – THREE PILLS A NIGHT!!!! (can you hear the booming boxing announcer voice?). So remember the crazy mod swings last month? They seem so mild in comparison to the rage I feel pretty much every minute I am awake this month. I realized then how women killed their husbands while in a PMS rage – seriously! But we had decided that this was the month (December) to rip off the roof, put up new siding, rebuild the porch and cut a hole in the house to install a sliding glass door. The insanity of that decision should preclude us from ever being allowed to be parents. Did I mention that this is our first house and that was our first home renovation project ever? This three week job took 5 months – why didn’t someone stop us? So the first night of our “timed passion” was terrible. Sex is not fun when you are made of sandpaper. By the second or third time there was no illusion of love or romance. It went something like this. Get in here- I want to go to bed and get this over with. Are you almost done? Don’t touch me there or anywhere just leave your deposit and get out so I can go to sleep. Are you jealous yet? So – two more weeks, $100 more in hpt’s and there is Flo again. Yippee.
Ok- So I think you get the idea and you surely know by now why it is EVIL clomid. So we go back to my wonderful GYN who says it is time to get more aggressive BUT – I can immediately go to one of the two clinics we had here at the time or I can wait for the new one that was arriving imminently. The current clinics have really nasty reputations here. One they only take you pretty much if you don’t have any issues and would in all likeliness get pregnant on your own if you were more patient and the other one is known to be snotty. I think if someone is going to be peering into my girl parts on an almost daily basis I’d like it to be someone I like. They also like to tell “fat chicks” to go away and come back after they lose a few pounds. The main focus of the portion of their website for new patients is losing weight. Wow- I bet they are really compassionate people if they are telling pretty much everyone that if you simply lose a few pounds you will get pregnant. So while metaphorically winking at she say tells me that she, my awesome GYN (who by the way weighs as much as my purse), is herself is going to go to the “new guy”. Well that seals the deal for me – she likes him and trusts him with her own fertility I am all over him! The bad thing about finding this wonderful doctor is he will not be here for three more months – and me being the anal, focused person I am – I won’t stop treatment while I am waiting. So what did I do? Three more long horrible months of evil clomid.