My description of an iui.

Ok- so the next morning we went to see our Reproductive Endocrinologist and have our very first Intrauterine Insemination.  Sounds so scary and official.  Well it was pretty uneventful.  In case you have never had one of these this is how I describe it: 

Your husband takes his “stuff” and brings it to the office – the lab takes his little swimmers and spins them around and takes out the ones who are not to dizzy to find their way (survival of the fittest) then because the spinning got rid of the “stream” they were swimming in they get dumped into a new caffeinated pond.  The entire contents of this pond are then put into a catheter.   

Now while they are frantically swimming because now they are like crackheads in there — the speculum is placed in just the right spot to pinch every last sandpapered part of you – and no- lubricant is not to be used today either – just take a moment to image.  Ouch- I know- TRUST me – I KNOW!   Then they put that catheter through your poor unsuspecting cervix.  Now ladies- I never knew until my cervix became a major thoroughfare that there are “paths” that this now hellish catheter must follow to get to its designated area.  Otherwise it can’t get in.   

I think of it like Frogger.  Little to the left, quick right, oh no watch fro the bus, back to the right- Whew! Finally made it to safety.  And when that little frogger/catheter makes it all the way through you know – trust me you know– because you get this sudden horrible cramp.  Now after over two dozen trips down this road I now know if my husband and I both put our hands and gently press down in just the right spot I can prevent the sudden cramp that almost made me fall off the table once – but that was hard won knowledge – I only learned it 4-5 cycles ago.   

Ok- so they slowly put all the crackhead sperm directly into your uterus which is when you find out that your body doesn’t really like all those sperm – so guess what— more cramping.   Then you are done – out comes the catheter – out comes the speculum which has been cutting off blood supply to the pinched areas for what has felt like a few hours when it is really only a few minutes.  You sit with your butt propped up for 15-20 minutes and are told to go home and try to have sex tonight/tomorrow to add some extra protein to the mix.  Yeah- NOW I’m feeling sexy!

And. Then. You. Wait.  

If you thought the time from the sex to the hpt was bad- try waiting a  FULL TWO WEEKS!!!!   Oh my god, every little twinge, every feeling of tiredness, every everything my husband took as a sign I was pregnant.  EVERYTHING. (ok- I admit- I did in the beginning too- sue me)   The one good thing about that is that I wasn’t allowed to do almost anything during that time per my husband’s instructions.  I will admit that I enjoy this development and still during the two week wait I remind him regularly so he remains extra helpful. 

Alright- you want to know if it worked right? Of course not.  So… we did it 5 more times with Evil Clomid- just to be sure.

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