I have waited another cycle for the cyst to disappear and am ready to get back on the horse – or am I? I think I am ready – I mean cycling is what I do – so far I am still sticking with iuis but I do it every month. But this month is different. Last time I was pregnant. It took so long to get there to have lasted for such a short while. But “a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do”.
So I go in for baseline with an exaggerated happy demeanor – if you feel it you will be it right? I go to the car and call my husband like I always do and immediately burst into tears. But I take a deep breath and tell him we begin stims that night. The first night of meds after a m/c is oddly the hardest for me. It is the finality of the loss – I know this is silly because generally the m/c was “declared” several weeks prior.
I suppose it is like getting back on the horse after you have been thrown. The first time is very hard emotionally but you put the fall out of your mind and concentrate on this ride quickly.
Well, we cycle with the injectables for several more months waiting for lightening to strike again. When nothing happens after a few months we really start tweaking my protocol. When I first began injectables I was not on too many medications. Now I am on Lupron, Follistim, Menopur, Ovidrel, PIO, glucophage and crinone. This is in conjunction with the prenatals, extra folic acid and baby aspirin. I no longer eat dinner- I just fill up on meds.
So I generally try not to think about what is actually IN the meds I am on. Where do they come from? I don’t want to know but somehow I found out what Menopur is made of. If you take it and don’t want to know stop reading now. It is basically powdered urine. Menopur used to be made from the urine of menopausal nuns. Seriously! Apparently someone, and I don’t know who wanted to check this out, realized that women in menopause have leutinizing hormone in their urine. In my simplified terms, leutinizing hormone is the hormone that matures the egg so that it is ready for my husband’s crackhead sperm. Just like in every relationship – one party has to be the mature one. =)
I think the follistim has bovine serum or something horrible in it – I had to stop reading the pamphlet or I knew I’d never be able to shoot myself up again!
And let’s not even talk about crinone – come on.. are there not enough things shoved up there while stimming? I always have to do two a day which involves setting the alarm extra early and “inserting the medication” before I even get out of bed in the morning. What a great way to start the day. Blech. The discharge is awful…and of course I HAVE to look- it is during the 2WW and I am obsessed with every tiny (or not so tiny) discharge, every cramp and every twinge.
PIO.. have you done THAT? Holy crap. The needles alone are frightening. The first few months we did the PIO I was advised by other to ice my butt so I don’t feel the needle – um ..note to self….don’t listen to anything those people ever say again. Injecting oil into a cold muscle is so painful. Then even if you massage the area you get painful lumps of oil in your butt. I swear they were so big you could see them through my pants when I walked around!!!! And the lumps generally stayed around for a couple of weeks after my BFNs. A wonderful reminder.
**Assvice**literally – from a lot of trial and error here is what I found to be the best and least painful way to do PIO shots other than giving them to someone else completely. I warm the area with a heating pad for 10-15 minutes, while warming my “hip” get the syringe ready and then I put the syringe in my bra for the remaining 10 minutes or so. This sounds crazy but it warms the oil so that it is thinner and will dissipate more easily- i.e. No lumps. I also use the heat after for another 10 minutes or so and then make sure I get up and walk around for at least ½ hour. Try it – it works like wonders for me!
Now after all of these shots and other uncomfortable tasks, imagine the guilt trip I will hopefully someday be able to give my child that just to have he/she I had to mix bovine serum and powdered urine and inject it into myself, a 1 ½ inch needle of oil in the butt and even I can’t imagine discussing with my child crinone and its effects. Man- that kid will take out the trash every night just so I don’t ever say those words again!!!
I wanted to clarify that I am sort of trying to catch you up on my journey so far. The miscarriage I spoke of in my previous post was August of 2006 (you will hear about the others later). Once you are “caught up” I hope to kind of go back and discuss some of the moments that stand out in my mind, spilled sperm, bad porn at the doctor’s office, waking up from my first ivf was pretty funny (to me anyway). I hope all of you will follow along with my journey and share yours too. I love reading your comments.
Talk to you soon.