Ok- so I have been back on injectables for several more months now and nothing has happened. It is driving me nutty because every response I have to the meds is great but winds up a big fat negative in the end. Fine- so I am preparing for another iui and am already on stims and have been for a few days. New York State offers this grant program to certain clinics depending on their performance that you are allowed to use only twice to help offset the cost of the ivf and it includes meds, it includes anything that your insurance won’t cover so for me that is the whole kit and caboodle. So in the middle of my iui we find out that the program is almost expired and it is use it or lose it time. Apparently every year it has to be added to the State budget again and in 2007 they were not sure that was going to happen. Now we have a dilemma – do the iui and pray I don’t have any cysts when it comes back negative so I can start the ivf cycle immediately so I don’t lose out on the opportunity or convert from an iui to an ivf TODAY!
Now every month before my iui I get The Spiel “You have so many follicles, you have a high risk of multiples, high number multiples can be dangerous to the mother and the children”…blah blah blah” — well that was what they used to tell me.. by this time in the process they’d just say.. “you know the drill” and “if it was anyone but you we’d flip you to ivf or cancel the cycle because you have too many follicles but since it is you…” Gee thanks.. since I have such a long history of abso-freaking-lutely nothing you can allow me to have 10-14 follicles and still be pretty sure I will not be able to get more than one fertilize .. how reassuring.
There are two wrenches to throw into the mix here. The first being that my husband is not 100% sure about doing ivf to begin with. He thinks if we just keep at this with iuis it will work – it did once right?-even if it wasn’t for long. So try to get him to part with several thousand dollars (even with the grant that is our cost share amount) and moving on to this much more invasive procedure was scary to me and scarier to him. He is not the kind of guy who likes to feel pushed into a situation. He likes to think he makes big boy decisions all by himself. Sorry – that was excessively sarcastic but that IS how it feels sometimes- here we are talking about a procedure that is no different for him and waay different for me and I am having to convince him why we should do it. Craig is pretty “frugal” in a lot of things and at this point even spending $4,000 was a lot for him to swallow. The idea of having to do donor eggs or adoption is still completely beyond him – he can’t imagine having to pay so much money for something that should be so simple. So I have to find a way to convince him to be 100% on board because I can’t and won’t do this without him firmly behind me. The heated discussion having to take that much out of our savings account which I am crazy about NOT taking money out of…. and he still had a delusion then of being able to conceive naturally if we just gave it more time or just had more sex. Yeah-ok- 4 plus years of trying with nary a single positive and we just need to give it more time. Whatever.
The other wrench is me. I will admit- I was terrified to do my first ivf. I wasn’t scared of the gruesome way they take the eggs, or being put under or anything. I was so scared they would tell me I had bad eggs. That my chances of having my own baby were over and that was that. Poof – all those hopes and dreams up in smoke. Now we knew my husband’s sperm was fine- it had been tested and we got to see exactly what it was up to every month for almost a year and a half of iuis by then – but the only way to really know about my eggs is to take them out.. and why take them out just to test- you might as well do ivf- right? So doing the ivf was going to fill in another piece of the puzzle and possible crush my hopes of ever having my own child. No pressure. (The puzzle piece thing by the way is what finally convinced Craig to go ahead with it- he could rationalize it as an important diagnostic tool). I just thought I’d have more time to wrap my brain around the whole idea. I mean, this could actually be the end of the line for me even imagine getting pregnant and having a child without having to rely on someone else.
So after MUCH discussion and agonizing we decide to go ahead and convert to an ivf cycle.
Let the fun begin.