I am back. Worse for the wear but back nonetheless. I have been through some of the hardest ordeals of my life and that is saying a lot. No one should ever have to plan dual funerals. No one should ever have to pick though the rubble of a burned out house for a will, or family pictures or any such thing. No one should have to stand in a shell of a house and look over and know where the exact spot your father burned to death . To walk by the bathroom and know his wife of 20 years died on that floor of smoke inhalation. To know that all the pain and hurt and anger from your childhood will now never be resolved. It is over. Then you find out that chances are your own family member caused his death and the death of his wife by selfishly smoking while on oxygen. So now it is his fault we are going through this. More anger but now it feels so inappropriate because he is dead- and in such a terrible way. The first time I was ever at this house (other than just driving by) was at 4:30 am on that terrible day – my brother’s birthday- to help the firemen try to figure out where they are. My father was so badly burned that the firemen did not realize he was a person. The call from the police said they were missing and the house was in flames. 100 foot flames at times. Horrible – it has been over a month and I still think I smell like that awful smoke. Making those phone calls.. telling the other children… writing his obituary….planning his funeral…overwhelming. Sorting out what you can because the insurance company requires to list everything down to the number of socks they owned and hoping we have enough recognizable items to meet the policy amounts. Trying to decide how and when to tear down the house – to eradicate the physical remnants of lives lost. Then the legal baloney- no will = a lot more work. Being the oldest and most levelheaded sucks. Thank god one of my brothers is also responsible and levelheaded. Trying to keep everyone happy and everything fair. Finding my babybook wet from the fire and trying not to cry too hard in front of my brother because he is so close to that also. The end of what could have been. No chance now of reconciliation – of closure. Just soot and crushing sadness.
Did I mention that my stims for my current ivf started the day after the fire? So much for a calm, relaxed, stress-free cycle. It was my best responding cycle so far- 6 beautiful blasts – three transferred – the other three made it to freeze. A big fat positive last Friday.. best beta I ever had. Monday’s beta- amazing! It more than tripled!!! 34.5 hour doubling time! Could this be my dad’s way of making everything better? Of showing appreciation for how hard I am working on his behalf? Of giving me something I so desperately want since he took so many other things away? I almost feel joy. I almost believe that THIS is IT! I actually looked at nursery decorations on line to “get ideas”. And then.. yesterday… the spotting and here I am. Crushed .. again.. hoping for the best but expecting the worst because that is where my life is right now. In a deep pit of gloom and I am trying so hard to climb out—truly—but I keep getting slapped back in. Tomorrow I find out more about my baby- if it is still there and if it looks like he/she wants to snuggle in for a while longer.
I’ll let you know.