It has been far too long since I have been here. I apologize. I will tell you what is going on now and try to allow myself to re-live some of how I got here. I am the proud, luckiest, happy mom of an amazing 3 1/2 boy, As you all know this journey was long and arduous. My pregnancy was the same. I truly didn’t believe I was going to actually take home a baby until I heard him cry. Honestly, I don’t know if I really believed it then either. I feel like my whole personality has changed. I am more peaceful and can roll with the punches far better than I ever could before. I don’t make plans anymore, I used to be a bit rigid but now I make suggestions of what to do and see how we feel that day. My house is a mess, I don’t really do chores or errands except during weekend naps or on my lunch hour at work and I do not feel bad about it. I don’t talk on the phone until after 8pm and I have only bought one (or maybe 2) purses in the last 3 years! LOL. Some people say that I have given up too much of myself but I think I finally found who I wanted to be. The treatment took far more of my friends and passions away. I lived in a sad, lonely, numbing cocoon then. Now I might be in a bubble- but it is full of sunshine and love and smiles.
Just because I have found my way to motherhood doesn’t mean I forgot the journey or the pain. I still feel the fear and have had panic attacks when the discussion of another comes up. I will not be going though treatment again. Maybe in time we might try to adopt a school age child – when Christopher is old enough to be part of the discussion. I celebrate my son’s birthday with the fertility clinic and don’t see that ending any time soon. I tell anyone that I had ivf. I am not ashamed and am proud to be another face of infertility.
I hope to be back regularly to tell you more about my journey, my eventful pregnancy and how I am learning to be the best mom I can be.